You see, my son tries to be the tough guy. He wasn't always like that, but has grown into that type of young man. I know I haven't been a perfect mom, but I have tried damn hard. I know he loves me, but sometimes I wonder. He used to be my little man and thought I ruled the world. Remembering when all that stopped is heartbreaking. He has emotionally cut me off and I can't stand it.

Part of the reason he has cut me off is to protect himself. He was devastated when I was diagnosed with MS. He was 17 and hadn't completely cut me out. After I came home from the hospital from my initial attack, everything changed. I know he has a hard time dealing with it, but it's a fact of our life. He doesn't realize the devastation he causes, creates more problems for me. We have grown farther apart over the last 2 years and I hate it.

I try and be there when he needs me, but that has become very rare. I wish I had a crystal ball, so he could see beyond today. This is why I say watching your kids grow up can be heartbreaking.

There is no way they should have missed the signs something bad was happening to her. We were at the rheumatologist and the regular doctor the Monday before she went into the hospital. If you look up the symptoms for methotrexate toxicity, it defines hers to a T. It makes me wonder about the whole lot of them.

Thankfully, she is do so much better. She went and got her hair done on Friday, so that made her feel even better. I am going to go see her later. Hubby went over this morning to check on her and she was doing just fine. He did a few things for her and she was good to go.

I have a new list of medications to memorize now. A lot of them are still the same, but some have been modified. It all basically boiled down to they were killing her with the medications she was taking. I am trying to figure out what course of action I should suggest to her because she is more even tempered than I am.

She knows she needs to switch rheumatologists, but I doubt she will. Thanks to this doctor, she has to wear a nitro patch and requires oxygen at night. They only have her on one rheumatoid arthritis (RA) drug right now. I have been so mad I can't see straight.

The up side is she is doing remarkably well. Her voice is back, the wound on her belly is healed, and the double vision is gone. All of these things were caused by methotrexate, which she has been on for years. She also has a twinkle back in her eyes. It is so good to hear her laugh again and not sound so hopeless. I was very worried about her.

Well, I just figured I would put in an update for anyone who may be following this blog.

They did a bone marrow aspiration on her yesterday and they said it showed improvement. Her EKG and some blood work have come back normal too. The last time we went to the doctor was last Monday and she saw the physician’s assistant. I think he may have missed something, but she probably isn’t easy to diagnose. She tends to tell the whole laundry list of health problems, instead of the issues pertaining to this visit.

Oh well, she likes her doctors. I don’t have to like them, but I will make sure they do right by her.

She has passed me around to other in need and I haven't complained, but yesterday she told her friend something that pissed me off. She told her I am taking over her life. Her friend told her she was full of it and she said she was just kidding. I guess my sense of humor is gone because I didn't find it funny.I have done things for her I never expected to do for someone who didn't raise me or some other closer relationship.

I enjoy the time I spend with her and she is fun to be around when she is feeling well. She won't go back to the dr until her appt. on Thur. I called them today and told them her latest status. Keeping my fingers crossed, but starting to lose more feeling.

Better go for now, my computer is junk and I have to restore it.

She has always been a very independent woman and she has hated to lose that feeling. I am doing my best to make sure she keeps it. She has been getting herself cleaned up and has been changing her nightgown or getting dressed, if we have plans. I think She has more trouble than she was willing to admit and let some needs unattended. I am trying to repair the damage that has been done already.

I have been running around in circle since all this began, but it has been worse over the past few weeks. Taking care of one woman full time is hard enough, but trying to help two other is almost impossible. I am running myself ragged and wonder how much I have left.

I guess I can give a little background on my special ward. She has RA, peripheral neuropathy, HBP, CHF, and general old age issues. The doctors have her on a multitude of medications that totally baffle me. If she was having a good quality of life, I wouldn't bat an eye. The truth of the matter is she seems to be waiting to die. She has been netter since I've been there, but now she is getting sick and not doing anything again. It took me 2 weeks to get her to starting eating on a regular basis and now I feel it may be undone. I am going to make her an appointment on Monday and see what is going on this time. She keeps making me promise I won't put her in the hospital and I am trying my best.

Tomorrow I will see how she is doing and whether she feels any better. Until then...

I really had every intention of keeping this going in a normal fashion, but things have turned out differently. In early October, my husband's favorite aunt was out in the hospital. We were put in charge of her dog and found out after day 2, she wanted her at our house. We have not had any animals in the house since we moved here last year, but an exception was made. All turned out pretty well, but we were glad when she went home.

Our aunt got out of the hospital the day before her 71st birthday. She was not ready by any stretch of the imagination. All she wanted was to go home and we respected her wishes. We brought the dog back and waited for the first signs of trouble, it didn't take long. A few hours after we got her home she called and wanted us to come and get the dog. We kept her for about a month. She is now back at her house and all is well with the dog. The aunt on the other hand is iffy right now.

Two days after she got home she realized she couldn't do things by herself. I had went over on her birthday, a Sunday, and made her an offer. I told her if she was willing to help me with my upcoming student loans, I would help take care of her. I told her to think about it and let me know. She called the next morning and wondered where I was. I jumped into action.

Some days I wonder if I got in over my head, but then I feel good about what I am doing. I have found myself doing things for her I had never thought I would do. We haven't always been close, but I finally grew on her. I have seen such major improvements in the last month in a half, but now she is starting to worry me again. She has had a sore throat for a few days and now is coughing up mucous. I initially thought it could be her sinuses, but I'm beginning to wonder. She seems extremely weak today and actually had a fall. This was the first fall in almost 2 months.I'm going to worry about her all night.

The only problems I have is I sometimes feel taken advantage of a lot. Once she started feeling better she started loaning me out to her neighbor and her best friend. I don't feel right taking money from a 73 and 84 year old lady. They are sweet and lonely. One of them more so than the other.

I guess that is not really the only problem I'm having, but its the biggest. Some days are very difficult for me because of my multiple sclerosis. The stress of the day-to-day needs of these women can be overwhelming.I feel as if I am constantly chasing my tail. I can't afford to have an exacerbation at this time. It makes me realize to need to take a few minutes for myself, but trying to find a good time is hard.